Pooping in broken toilets and other unfortunate events.

Place: Maputo area, Mozambique

I want to preface this blog post by saying that this is not all about poop, but the title was simply meant to weed out those who are averse to this topic as it is indeed mentioned.  Então ta.

On Monday, February 10th, 2014, I started officially working as a Kiva Fellow with my field partner in Mozambique, who has 8 branches spread out around the Maputo area.  My field partner colleagues drove to the city from Bela Vista, a village where the main branch office is located, and picked me up bright and early on Monday morning. We headed out to the nearest office, which is about 45 minutes away from the city in a town called Boane.  They were very welcoming and very accommodating – I even got to sit in the air conditioned office when we arrived.  After making awkward, first-day small talk with shy colleagues around the office, the executive director suggested that I go to Bela Vista with them on Monday evening, and stay until Wednesday when they would bring me back to Maputo.  It sounded like a good idea, so I said vamos. 

The view from Bela Vista, the town where my partner micro-finance organization has its headquarters.

To get there, we crossed the Maputo Bay on a ferry, and then sped down dirt roads for 45 minutes listening to a disco-club remix of Robin Thicke's latest hit while eating the dust that poured in through the open windows.  I must admit, it's hard not to feel bad-ass in moments like these (though this small jump in bad-ass levels may have led to my later demise.)  I stayed the night in a beautiful hotel next to the “Bela Vista” that the village is named after, and the next day, the executive director suggested we make a "short trip" to another one of their offices in Ponta do Ouro, a town in southern Mozambique close to the border.  It sounded like a good idea, so I said vamos.  This route was more like a jeep tour than a casual drive, and monkeys, bulls, wild bores, and goats made for some interesting road blocks.  After three bone-rattling hours, we reached the office in Ponta do Ouro, a town known for its world-renowned beaches. 

The crystal clear waters of the Indian Ocean off the coast of Ponta do Ouro.

This is when the complications began.  As is well known, when traveling, one’s digestive system takes plenty of time to get over its own jet lag.  For whatever reason, the exact moment that we arrived in Ponta do Ouro was when my digestive system remembered why it exists.  I was ecstatic, and headed straight to the office bathroom, pleased to find a toilet that appeared to be in good condition.  As I whistled a victory tune and went to flush the toilet, the thought of “What if this toilet doesn’t flush?” flickered across my mind.  Maybe if I had stayed positive, there would have been a different outcome.  Alas, when I hopefully yet fearfully attempted to flush the toilet, only four small drops of water seeped out, and my fears were confirmed: I pooped in a broken toilet…on my 2^nd day of work with a new organization in a different country where they have a different culture (I don’t know if pooping at work is culturally acceptable) and speak a different language.  I was in despair for roughly 15 seconds, until I thought back to the days of using squat toilets in Indonesia, where I learned that with a 5 gallon bucket of water, you can manually flush almost anything down a toilet.  And what was sitting in the corner of the bathroom?  Yes, it was a bucket.  It was a small bucket, but with my expert plumbing skills and just the right amount of muscle, I made that toilet flush.  I basically felt like super-woman in this moment, even though I probably looked like Zach Galifinakis in that meme that has been going around the internet for while, the one where he looks all sweaty and defeated.  However, I exited the bathroom with ample dignity, and we worked there for two hours - one hour attempting to connect to the internet, and another hour working offline after accepting defeat. 

This view in Ponta do Ouro definitely makes up for any and all unfortunate events.

After this, we grabbed a (much needed) beer on the beach, and started our off-roading adventure back to Bela Vista.  I stayed one more night in Bela Vista, and the next day proceeded to visit the 4^th and 5^th branch offices in Catembe and Moamba, where my linguistic limitations led people to believe I wanted to take a shower at work, and where we also got a flat tire during rush hour on the way home – other unfortunate events that were referenced in the title.  However, I have loved every minute of my adventure, and I will continue to make new shy conversation with colleagues and pretend to know nothing of pooping in broken toilets. 

Traveler's Tip #4: Always make sure the toilet flushes before going to the bathroom, unless you are a natural MacGyver who thrives in such situations as described above.