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5. Discover Rwanda, Kigali, Rwanda
Coming in at number 5 is the Discover Rwanda Hostel in Kigali. Dorms where everyone acts like it's college anyway? Or, for those prestigious couples, a mediocre room with a shared, college-style bathroom? Yes, please. Everyone knows that when you are stuck on a toilet in fear of your hydration levels the one thing that comforts you is the thought of people having normal bowel movements in the stalls beside you and brushing their teeth trying to get rid of the blueberry vodka taste in the communal taps in front of you. A sense of security comes from the fact that when too many loose-bowel-movement sounds escape the not-so-private stall you are stationed in, the drunk Dutch couple brushing their teeth will first sound disgusted but will ultimately ask you if you are OK and will recommend going to the public hospital a few kilometers down the road after confirming that yes, you look sick. It's always good to have company, especially when you are in a sweaty, dehydrated state with terror running through your intestines and toilet bowl germs covering every inch of your body and you can only muster up enough energy to stumble back to bed after the unmentionable happens (and happens again, and again, and again, until finally you bring your pillow to the bathroom and call it a night). Well, look no further, Discover Rwanda Kigali is your ultimate destination as our #5 pick.
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| View from the patio of the semi-private room just twenty steps away from where you will spend the night (the shared bathroom down the hall)... |
Coming in at number 5 is the Discover Rwanda Hostel in Kigali. Dorms where everyone acts like it's college anyway? Or, for those prestigious couples, a mediocre room with a shared, college-style bathroom? Yes, please. Everyone knows that when you are stuck on a toilet in fear of your hydration levels the one thing that comforts you is the thought of people having normal bowel movements in the stalls beside you and brushing their teeth trying to get rid of the blueberry vodka taste in the communal taps in front of you. A sense of security comes from the fact that when too many loose-bowel-movement sounds escape the not-so-private stall you are stationed in, the drunk Dutch couple brushing their teeth will first sound disgusted but will ultimately ask you if you are OK and will recommend going to the public hospital a few kilometers down the road after confirming that yes, you look sick. It's always good to have company, especially when you are in a sweaty, dehydrated state with terror running through your intestines and toilet bowl germs covering every inch of your body and you can only muster up enough energy to stumble back to bed after the unmentionable happens (and happens again, and again, and again, until finally you bring your pillow to the bathroom and call it a night). Well, look no further, Discover Rwanda Kigali is your ultimate destination as our #5 pick.
4. ULK Stadium, Kigali, Rwanda (venue of the October 2015 Stromae concert)
Concerts are special. A concert is the one event where anything you do is acceptable because you are there for the music, man. Did that bruh just grope your buttocks with both hands and then make a licking gesture when you turned around to punch him the face? Calm down you prude, loosen up. This is a concert, and plus, aren't you actually a little bit complimented by it anyway?! I mean he wouldn't have grabbed it if it wasn't nice. Anyways, this Burning Man-like mentality often found at concerts makes having a bout of the Big D at a concert, by principle, pretty acceptable. The ULK Stadium made it to #4 on the list due to destiny, not chance. To start with, let's talk about the security system to get into the stadium. It takes minimum two hours to pass through, so you just have to assume it's pretty f*cking safe. Worried about getting mugged on l'toilet? Fat chance - this place is decked with two old-school metal security frames that each and every person (all 15-20,000 of them) must walk through to enter the stadium. A safer poop you'll probably never have. What's more, this stadium doesn't sell water, so you have the perfect excuse for being on the toilet so long - "there's no water!" you mumble as you sip warm beer from a plastic cup in the loo, hoping that the minimal water content will keep you alive through this bout of unpredictable D. For the party animal in you that wants to get out there and have some fun, but is worried about whether there will be toilet options to accommodate your prolonged case of African runny tummy, a concert or sporting event at ULK Stadium is your go-to!
3. Thaijazz Beach Restaurant, Gisenyi, Rwanda
Coming in luke-warm at #3 is Thaijazz Beach Restuarant in Gisenyi, a sleepy town on Lake Kivu that sits on the Rwandan border with Eastern Congo. This little gem is a dream for the D-struck among us. First of all, let's talk about that view. It makes everything a little better, even if you are rushing off to the toilet every 5 minutes and remember more about how the bathroom door doesn't shut all the way unless you strategically fandangle it closed by leaning on it with all your weight than you do about the view. It's easy to talk about lifelong dreams as you stare into the eyes of your Prince/ss Charming in this open air resto setting and pretend that the last 5 minutes in the bathroom didn't just happen. Second, let's talk about the tea. Being a Thai restaurant, this little sanctuary has the strongest green tea you could ask for. As everyone knows, it is best to drink green tea when you are already wrestling with a bout of Big D because then if it gives you diarrhea you are already prepared for it, and good thing, because this tea comes in a party-size teapot. Third, the bathrooms are a nice little stroll from the couch-dining-area in a private room adorned with beaded doorways, so you don't have to worry about anyone giving you curious looks after your 5th trip to the loo. On the downside, if it's raining, this is not a great destination, as the trek to the toilet will leave you soaked and then everyone will know just how many times you've been to the loo in the past 30 minutes. Last tip to enjoy this little paradise - bring an extra roll of toilet paper with you and soak it all in - the view that is. And depending how adventurous you are, if you don't find yourself tousling with a bout of the Big D and want to shake things up a bit, order yourself a pot of green tea and prepare for the most unpredictable 4 hours of your life. ;)
2. Mikeno Lodge, Virunga National Park, Democratic Republic of the Congo
This #2 spot is your fantasy African vacation destination, complete with private chalets in the middle of a monkey-filled jungle with gunshots from rebel groups ringing in the not-so-far-off distance to bring you the authentic rush of adrenaline that comes from being so close to a war zone yet so privileged that you can pretend it's not real. It is serene and truly luxurious, with perfectly landscaped pathways leading you to your chalet where you can whisper sweet nothings to your dream partner by the fireplace in plush leather chairs in between bouts of D which have you rushing to the comfort of an above-par toilet. The bed is a massive cloud of white comforter on white pillows on white sheets, so when you have finally taken enough Imodium to allow you to catch a few hours of sleep uninterrupted by the Big D, you will also go uninterrupted by your partner's jerky movements on the other side of the bed - a good two metres away. The expansive oasis which is the bathroom provides you ample long, hot baths to dream about as you stare at the tub longingly from your default throne, and the rain panel shower has you imagining how refreshing it would be if only you could muster enough energy to stand up for more than 10 minutes at a time. The three-course dinner gives you a perfect excuse to be the feminine debutante your grandmother always hoped you would be, as you will manage to spoon down the soup, but will politely decline the second two courses with no further explanation other than "Oh, I really shouldn't," and you will mean it. As if I need to say more, there is also a quaint gorilla orphanage that you can imagine visiting as a once-in-a-lifetime-opportunity if only you didn't have an unknown illness that could be so easily transmitted to the gorillas themselves. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Mikeno Lodge, our #2 spot to make you say 'YES' to the Big D.
1. Nyiragongo Volcano, Virunga National Park, Democratic Republic of the Congo
Here's what we've all been waiting for, the #1 spot. I'm sure you're wondering what qualities are necessary to earn the top spot on such a prestigious list. Well first off, we like our #1 spot to say 'YES' to the Big D to come with a challenge. Don't just hand us an expensive toilet that looks cush for our tush and think you have won the way to the top of our toilet rankings. What do we prefer? A 6-8 hour hike. Nearly vertical incline. Hiking up lava rock remains that constantly move under your feet as your thigh muscles frantically urge them to stay the f*ck still so you don't slide all the way back down and have to hike up it yet again. A destination won't be #1 unless it puts you through continued hours of heavy thunderstorms and at least 1 hour of actual hail beating down on you as you question what your boyfriend's underlying intentions were when he convinced you to do this trip. This destination will have you panting for breath and actually seeing stars and you hang onto unusually strong vines that almost throw you back down the mountain as push your way through this dense vegetation to the top of the volcano. This destination has you breaking up your Cliff bar into tiny, inhalable pieces to give you the energy to hang onto your boyfriend's backpack as he paves the way in front of you and crushing Imodium pills into your Gatorade so you can make it the entirety of the hike without leaving a trace. Let's be honest, this is the only destination where you are actually welcoming the thought of the upcoming bowel movement so that you can sit down for a prolonged period of time and not have to forcibly put one foot in front of the other as you pray that your walking stick can hold all of your body weight [which at this point, is not that much]. This destination is also #1 because of another hugely important aspect in our lives. Can you say automatic weight loss?!? The lbs will be flying off of you like bullets out of a rebel rifle [which is the reason for the heavily armed park rangers accompanying you on this adrenaline-bursting trek]. On top of the 10 lbs you will be losing from experiencing a week straight of non-stop Big D, you will lose another 3 lbs on top of that due to the strenuous nature of this hike. Don't worry, the exercise aspect of this destination doesn't stop once you get to the top. The engineers of this loo clearly knew the weight-loss inducing power of this toilet was high priority and put it a steep hike down (and then back up) from the actual camp at the top of the volcano. Depending on how many times you have to visit this quaint little bathroom shelter, that could be an additional 5 lbs you shed before you show up back home looking super skinny, or as I like to call it, African skinny. Last but not least, this loo doubles as a meditation sanctuary. As you spend hours staring out over the grassy highlands and mountain ranges, you find yourself pondering life and it's many wondrous intricacies, including what the actual f*ck you ate that made you so very, very frighteningly ill. So as we wind down this list at, truly, the only place that will have you saying 'YES' to the Big D, we want to give a nod to the qualities that got it the #1 spot on this list - some prolonged self-questioning, moderate to extreme weight loss, and an especially good chase [in this case up a volcano]. Welcome to #1, welcome to Nyiragongo Volcano.
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| Imagine a night out where both you and your bowels are free to enjoy a little action... |
Concerts are special. A concert is the one event where anything you do is acceptable because you are there for the music, man. Did that bruh just grope your buttocks with both hands and then make a licking gesture when you turned around to punch him the face? Calm down you prude, loosen up. This is a concert, and plus, aren't you actually a little bit complimented by it anyway?! I mean he wouldn't have grabbed it if it wasn't nice. Anyways, this Burning Man-like mentality often found at concerts makes having a bout of the Big D at a concert, by principle, pretty acceptable. The ULK Stadium made it to #4 on the list due to destiny, not chance. To start with, let's talk about the security system to get into the stadium. It takes minimum two hours to pass through, so you just have to assume it's pretty f*cking safe. Worried about getting mugged on l'toilet? Fat chance - this place is decked with two old-school metal security frames that each and every person (all 15-20,000 of them) must walk through to enter the stadium. A safer poop you'll probably never have. What's more, this stadium doesn't sell water, so you have the perfect excuse for being on the toilet so long - "there's no water!" you mumble as you sip warm beer from a plastic cup in the loo, hoping that the minimal water content will keep you alive through this bout of unpredictable D. For the party animal in you that wants to get out there and have some fun, but is worried about whether there will be toilet options to accommodate your prolonged case of African runny tummy, a concert or sporting event at ULK Stadium is your go-to!
3. Thaijazz Beach Restaurant, Gisenyi, Rwanda
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| Imagine a romantic dinner in this couch-dining-area with a private toilet escape nearby... |
Coming in luke-warm at #3 is Thaijazz Beach Restuarant in Gisenyi, a sleepy town on Lake Kivu that sits on the Rwandan border with Eastern Congo. This little gem is a dream for the D-struck among us. First of all, let's talk about that view. It makes everything a little better, even if you are rushing off to the toilet every 5 minutes and remember more about how the bathroom door doesn't shut all the way unless you strategically fandangle it closed by leaning on it with all your weight than you do about the view. It's easy to talk about lifelong dreams as you stare into the eyes of your Prince/ss Charming in this open air resto setting and pretend that the last 5 minutes in the bathroom didn't just happen. Second, let's talk about the tea. Being a Thai restaurant, this little sanctuary has the strongest green tea you could ask for. As everyone knows, it is best to drink green tea when you are already wrestling with a bout of Big D because then if it gives you diarrhea you are already prepared for it, and good thing, because this tea comes in a party-size teapot. Third, the bathrooms are a nice little stroll from the couch-dining-area in a private room adorned with beaded doorways, so you don't have to worry about anyone giving you curious looks after your 5th trip to the loo. On the downside, if it's raining, this is not a great destination, as the trek to the toilet will leave you soaked and then everyone will know just how many times you've been to the loo in the past 30 minutes. Last tip to enjoy this little paradise - bring an extra roll of toilet paper with you and soak it all in - the view that is. And depending how adventurous you are, if you don't find yourself tousling with a bout of the Big D and want to shake things up a bit, order yourself a pot of green tea and prepare for the most unpredictable 4 hours of your life. ;)
2. Mikeno Lodge, Virunga National Park, Democratic Republic of the Congo
Lush forest outside our fantasy suite in the African jungle...complete with a fireplace...
This #2 spot is your fantasy African vacation destination, complete with private chalets in the middle of a monkey-filled jungle with gunshots from rebel groups ringing in the not-so-far-off distance to bring you the authentic rush of adrenaline that comes from being so close to a war zone yet so privileged that you can pretend it's not real. It is serene and truly luxurious, with perfectly landscaped pathways leading you to your chalet where you can whisper sweet nothings to your dream partner by the fireplace in plush leather chairs in between bouts of D which have you rushing to the comfort of an above-par toilet. The bed is a massive cloud of white comforter on white pillows on white sheets, so when you have finally taken enough Imodium to allow you to catch a few hours of sleep uninterrupted by the Big D, you will also go uninterrupted by your partner's jerky movements on the other side of the bed - a good two metres away. The expansive oasis which is the bathroom provides you ample long, hot baths to dream about as you stare at the tub longingly from your default throne, and the rain panel shower has you imagining how refreshing it would be if only you could muster enough energy to stand up for more than 10 minutes at a time. The three-course dinner gives you a perfect excuse to be the feminine debutante your grandmother always hoped you would be, as you will manage to spoon down the soup, but will politely decline the second two courses with no further explanation other than "Oh, I really shouldn't," and you will mean it. As if I need to say more, there is also a quaint gorilla orphanage that you can imagine visiting as a once-in-a-lifetime-opportunity if only you didn't have an unknown illness that could be so easily transmitted to the gorillas themselves. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Mikeno Lodge, our #2 spot to make you say 'YES' to the Big D.
1. Nyiragongo Volcano, Virunga National Park, Democratic Republic of the Congo
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| This place will have you saying 'YES' all night long...or until you run out of energy to say anything any more... |
Here's what we've all been waiting for, the #1 spot. I'm sure you're wondering what qualities are necessary to earn the top spot on such a prestigious list. Well first off, we like our #1 spot to say 'YES' to the Big D to come with a challenge. Don't just hand us an expensive toilet that looks cush for our tush and think you have won the way to the top of our toilet rankings. What do we prefer? A 6-8 hour hike. Nearly vertical incline. Hiking up lava rock remains that constantly move under your feet as your thigh muscles frantically urge them to stay the f*ck still so you don't slide all the way back down and have to hike up it yet again. A destination won't be #1 unless it puts you through continued hours of heavy thunderstorms and at least 1 hour of actual hail beating down on you as you question what your boyfriend's underlying intentions were when he convinced you to do this trip. This destination will have you panting for breath and actually seeing stars and you hang onto unusually strong vines that almost throw you back down the mountain as push your way through this dense vegetation to the top of the volcano. This destination has you breaking up your Cliff bar into tiny, inhalable pieces to give you the energy to hang onto your boyfriend's backpack as he paves the way in front of you and crushing Imodium pills into your Gatorade so you can make it the entirety of the hike without leaving a trace. Let's be honest, this is the only destination where you are actually welcoming the thought of the upcoming bowel movement so that you can sit down for a prolonged period of time and not have to forcibly put one foot in front of the other as you pray that your walking stick can hold all of your body weight [which at this point, is not that much]. This destination is also #1 because of another hugely important aspect in our lives. Can you say automatic weight loss?!? The lbs will be flying off of you like bullets out of a rebel rifle [which is the reason for the heavily armed park rangers accompanying you on this adrenaline-bursting trek]. On top of the 10 lbs you will be losing from experiencing a week straight of non-stop Big D, you will lose another 3 lbs on top of that due to the strenuous nature of this hike. Don't worry, the exercise aspect of this destination doesn't stop once you get to the top. The engineers of this loo clearly knew the weight-loss inducing power of this toilet was high priority and put it a steep hike down (and then back up) from the actual camp at the top of the volcano. Depending on how many times you have to visit this quaint little bathroom shelter, that could be an additional 5 lbs you shed before you show up back home looking super skinny, or as I like to call it, African skinny. Last but not least, this loo doubles as a meditation sanctuary. As you spend hours staring out over the grassy highlands and mountain ranges, you find yourself pondering life and it's many wondrous intricacies, including what the actual f*ck you ate that made you so very, very frighteningly ill. So as we wind down this list at, truly, the only place that will have you saying 'YES' to the Big D, we want to give a nod to the qualities that got it the #1 spot on this list - some prolonged self-questioning, moderate to extreme weight loss, and an especially good chase [in this case up a volcano]. Welcome to #1, welcome to Nyiragongo Volcano.
Love this... thanks for sharing.. you're the best... your writing is so creative, funny and informig all at the same time... guerss you take after your mom!!
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